Becoming a mother....part 2

Okay so where did I leave off...oh yes, we found a house to rent in town...not my dream house by any means, but when I look back it's surprising how important certain things become when you've had to live without them. Living in a travel trailer and than moving to a "real" normal house you really start to appreciate those things you lived without...A regular full-size refrigerator that you don't have to defrost by hand and a normal oven that is actually big enough to put a whole pizza in to cook if you want to. A bathtub to bathe your babies/toddlers in (and oh so wonderful to soak your tired, sick, and sore pregnant body in a bubble bath on your second pregnancy...but I'm getting ahead of myself...), I never knew how important a bath tub was to me, maybe for some it's nothing, but I love watching my son playing happily in the bath tub and perfect for those diaper explosions and those of you who have a child that loves to play in the dirt, well anyway when you don't have one for awhile, you appreciate it very much when you have one. A regular bed where the mattress is on bed springs instead of a board and a bed that you can actually get around to change the sheets instead of climbing on top of it and wrestling it down while your body is on top of it. Room to stand up in your bedroom and storage space, etc..I'm so happy and thankful for these things that make life easier now and I didn't even mention the awful toilet in the travel trailer. Plus as a bonus I have a pantry for the first time ever in my married life...always wanted one of those and didn't even pray for that...God knew! So anyway, you get the picture, here we were in our "new" home...still an old house that has lots of things that I would change about it, but way better than where we were before. The first year we lived here I was the most happy and content I've probably ever been in my 12 years of marriage. I was living my dream of being a mother to a beautiful sweet little boy...the child I'd prayed for all those many years. Cooking, cleaning, gardening, became enjoyable and even laundry was fun at first. (side note: One of my friends was so sweet to let me do laundry at her house until we were able to afford a washer and dryer and than eventually some other friends ended up giving us their old washer and dryer, what a blessing that was!) We also found a wonderful church and started making friends around here, who now I can't imagine living without them. I had been so lonely when we first moved to Oregon from Missouri, missing my family and friends, wishing and praying for a nice church to fellowship with other like believers, so that was another answer to prayer when we discovered a church right in our own town that was just what I had prayed for. It's hard moving to a new area, but it finally feels like home now and I love living here for the most part...(aside from missing my extended family and not being able to live in the country.) Well anyway, as I said before, here we were, here I was, and I was happy, "was" being the correct word, because soon I started wanting another baby. Here I was enjoying my home, my life, my friends, my church, my husband and my son...but I've always wanted a daughter, since before I was married my desire was to have lots of little girls to raise, teach, and love, so I started praying again this time not just for a baby liked the years before when I'd begged God just for a child, but this time for a daughter, I told myself it would be fine if I had another son, but deep down inside I knew what I really wanted was a little girl of my own. To top it off, my husband had always wanted a daughter too. Also our son Colton was not a baby anymore and I think we were missing that baby stage, I thought having kids close in age would be nice, too, they could play together I reasoned. So we started trying to get pregnant and what a disappointment after 6 months of trying and still not pregnant, I started getting worried...(how come I just can't trust God? I always start doubting, but really He does know best...) I thought what if I never can have more children, what if I never have a daughter, I'd always wanted lots of children and now I maybe will only have one, never to hold another precious baby of my own in my arms, I didn't have a good experience with breast-feeding my infant son in the beginning either...(that's for another blog), so I'd hoped the next baby I would be able to nurse easier and more naturally...oh the worry I put myself through, forgetting that many woman go a lot longer than that to have to wait for a child, some never get pregnant, some never have any children, some wait years and years. The truth is you are not even considered infertile unless you have seriously tried for a whole year. I didn't even stop to consider the fact that I waited Nine Years for Colton (but it didn't take many months to get pregnant with him once we started trying) and here I was in a panic about 6 months going by...I just didn't realize it might be hard to get pregnant the second time around even while trying and trying. Most people told me the second time around it's easier to get pregnant and I guess it is for some. Anyway, one day I took a long walk with some friends to enjoy some fun things going on downtown. It was a very hot day and when we finally sat down after walking so far, I started feeling faint and dizzy...I thought maybe it was the heat getting to me. My friends brought me some water and I ate some crackers, but as I sat there trying to hang onto my energetic toddler and not make my friends worry about me, I started getting nauseated and sick feeling. I just wanted to cry, finally I felt so miserable that I called my husband who was at work and asked me to come get me, because I knew there was no way I was going to be able to walk home. (by the way I'd walked that far before with no issues and I've done it since than too...so I knew something was wrong) My sweet husband Brian came and picked me up and when I got home after throwing up, I felt better, okay so thinking that was strange maybe it was from the heat or something I than forgot about it, until the few days when I kept getting sick, throwing up, etc. Yes like you are thinking, my friends and I all thought I must be pregnant, so I took a pregnancy test and it came back negative, so I waited and I started my period, but it was the shortest, easiest menstrual I've ever had, so I took another one and that one came back negative. So I thought I must not be pregnant, another disappointed, many tears and frustration. If I wasn't pregnant, why was I so sick, was something wrong with me? I wondered and worried and prayed. Finally after talking to my midwife I waited and than took another pregnancy test and Yes it came back positive. We were extremely excited! We started picking out names for this baby that we hoped was a girl...Nadia Grace was one of the names we seriously considered. But it was not to be...one day I started cramping and bleeding, that night I was up most of the night, miserable with the feeling and knowing in my heart that I was losing my baby. The next day Brian took me to the doctor and they had me take another pregnancy test, it came back positive...I felt relief and thought surely it will be okay, but than they did a ultrasound and could not find anything at all. They told me I'd had a miscarriage, I even explain to you how devastated I was, even now thinking and writing about it brings tears to my eyes. I cried my heart out the rest of that day and many days afterwards. Than I the hardest and heaviest period of my life and I was depressed with an aching empty hurting heart. I didn't want to feel this way, in my past I'd already gone though enough depression and aching heart to last a lifetime, so after lots of prayer and wonderful caring understanding talks with friends, I was able to pull myself together and go on...I decided I will, I must, I have to trust God on this...if He wanted me to have another baby than I would and if I ever did get pregnant again I would be happy for even another boy...God knew best! The desire for a daughter never left me and even though I put all my worries and doubts and fears in God's hands, I still hoped and prayed that someday God would bless me again and that I would be able to have a baby girl of my very own...