Weary Momma

I've been so stressed out lately and feeling very overwhelmed, I feel like such a failure as a mother. One reason I wanted to start blogging again was to remind myself why I wanted to become a mother and how long I waited for these precious children of mine, but sometimes life gets so crazy and I wonder what did I get myself into. My husband would say that I'm too much of a perfectionist. That is probably partly true. I guess I do want to be a "perfect" mother and do it all so to speak. But sometimes I feel like I'm "suppose" to be supermom and I just can't of course. I try so hard to do everything "right" and end up doing everything "wrong". Maybe I'm too hard on myself or maybe God is trying to get my attention. Either way I feel like I just can not go on like this. I don't want my frustrations to control me and to take it out on my innocent children. I know that I have a lot of hurt inside of me that for the most part I've worked through, but it never seems to totally go away. When you've been abused as a child I guess it will always be apart of who you are later in life. Recently I had a nightmare about my step-dad (the one who mentally/sexually abused me) and I've not had a nightmare like that in a long time, it brought back all the bad memories and I've been dealing with that lately which causes more stress. Also a very dear friend died in a tragic car accident, he was almost like a father to me when we lived in missouri. His wife who always said I was like one of her daughters is in the hospital with a head injury and I'm so worried about her. They were more than just our friends, we always thought of them as family. So yes life is difficult right now, but that is not my child's fault, lately Colton seems to be pushing all my buttons, he's become so hyper and I don't know if it is his age right now or if he feels our stress, but he has been so hard to discipline lately, I know some of this is my fault, because sometimes I'm so tired or frustrated I don't handle it correctly. Also trying to balance two small children is overwhelming at times. Colton always seems to act up when I'm trying to take care of Cherish...so there might be some jealousy there too, even though for the most part he is very loving and sweet to baby "sissy". I think most of this is just me, I'm at my breaking point and don't know where to turn. I have so much feelings of guilt, but it seems I pray and pray to do better, I've tried to do better on my own and so I've turned to God and cried and prayed for help and promised to do better, but than it seems I fall again and again and again. I feel like I'm the only mother that is dealing with this, that I'm all alone, that nobody else messes up as much as I have. So anyway, I've poured my heart out...and now I want to remember the things that I'm proud of...it's not bragging, it's just reminding myself that I've done some things "right". As I said in my blog before this one, my issues of breastfeeding and how I did all I could to give my babies Mommy's milk in spite of difficulties. I've also taught my toddler to love veggies, not an easy thing to do as some of you know. I'm teaching Colton to say "please, thankyou, and sorry" and he usually does very well remembering that, not always of course. Even though it's not easy, I sometimes let Colton help me cook and bake, wash dishes, and other housework, in spite of the fact that usually his "help" just makes more work and more of a mess than the times I do it myself. I'm also trying to have Colton learn his numbers, letters, shapes, and colors, which is not easy with a little boy who is more interested in running around than sitting still. I've decided to just let him learn at his own pace and not push the issue with him and that seems to be working well so far. Plus another thing I'm proud of is that I've been able to get Cherish on a "schedule" of sorts....Sleep, Eat, Awake Time, and it has greatly reduced her fussiness and helps her sleep better at night, even though she still doesn't sleep totally through the night yet. She is a very happy baby and I know she is probably mostly naturally that way, but I think I will take some credit for it...lol. So I'm down in the dumps right now and trying to figure out this thing called motherhood...I want to be the mother that God has called me to be. I want to take my responsibly as a mother very seriously...this is the job God has given me and I'm very thankful for it, I'm just praying for the strength, wisdom, patience, and self-control it takes to be a mother, because I feel as though I've failed in some of those areas. I don't want to get weary of doing good in this wonderful life of being a mother...I'm so very blessed and I want to be a blessing to my family, my husband, and my children....please pray for me, because I'm admiting I can not do this on my own anymore...I'm taking this bible verse to heart..."Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest, if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9