Recipes/Food Blog

This is my first attempt at a food blog, I've had people tell me I should start one...I just finished filling up a cookbook I've been adding and collecting recipes for since early in my marriage, so I've been thinking about blogging some recipes lately and keep trying to do a food blog, so here goes...As most of you know I love gardening and baking...I've also started to enjoy cooking, especially with our garden produce. I also like taking photos, so I thought a food blog would be a fun way to include all those things.
I've been getting a good amount of zucchini from my garden recently.

My mother-in-law gave me a delicious zucchini recipe and it's one of my husband's favorite meals and the other one I came up with myself. Also a recipe a friend gave me quite awhile back.

~Zucchini Rice Bake Recipe~
3 cups shredded zucchini

3 cups cooked white rice

1 1/2 cups grated cheddar cheese

1 can cream of celery soup

2 eggs

1/2 cup chopped onion

I always try and add in some fresh herbs, my favorite in this recipe is oregano.

Mix and spread in casserole baking dish. Bake at 350 degrees for 50 minutes.

~Zucchini and Tofu over Rice~

Cooked white rice

Chopped and breaded zucchini

Diced firm tofu

Herbs of your choice

drizzle of Braggs Aminos

~Zucchini Patties~

2 cups shredded zucchini

1 onion

1 cup season bread crumbs

2 beaten eggs

2 TBS mayonnaise

1 1/2 tsp Mrs. Dash

Mix and form into balls...roll in extra bread crumbs and mash into patties.

Fry on both sides in skillet, until brown on both sides.

Also we have an abundance of fresh herbs...oregano, sweet basil, thyme, and rosemary...I love cooking with herbs, such a wonderful aroma, so here is some more meals I've been preparing for my family. (Our tomatoes have just started to ripen in our garden too, so I'm excited to try this recipe with my fresh tomatoes soon!)

~Pasta with tomato and sweet basil~

Cooked pasta of your choice

1 cup of chopped tomato

3 tsp olive oil

1/4 tsp dried or fresh sweet basil
1/4 tsp salt

1 cup grated mozzarella cheese

grated Parmesan cheese

Mix together in a bowl all the ingredients and than add the mixture to the cooked pasta.

Sprinkle with Parmesan cheese.

~Vegan Tofu Stuffed Shells~

1 jar pasta sauce

15 jumbo pasta shells/cooked

Mix together:

1 TBS fresh or dried basil herb

1/4 cup dried parsley (or fresh)

1 to 2 minced/sauteed fresh garlic cloves or TBS garlic powder

1 pound regular tofu/mashed

1 TBS onion powder

1 tsp salt

Spread some of the sauce on bottom of greased baking dish.

Spoon the tofu mixture into the cooked shells. Arrange and add 1/2 cup

of water to remaining sauce and pour stripes over top of shells.

Bake at 350 degrees until pasta sauce is bubbly, about 25 minutes.

(cheese lovers optional: sprinkle with parmesan cheese)

In photo as you can see I served it with fresh green beans and cucumber from my garden:

Photo of my herbs: Photo of one of my garden zucchini:

I plan to do "how to" real food blogs with photos and everything with these recipes eventually whenever I get the chance. :-)

Camping is fun!

Well is camping fun? Hmmm camping is fun, if and only if you decide to have fun in spite of everything crazy that happens. We took our two children, Colton almost three years old and Cherish 4 months old, on a camping trip for the first time. My husband Brian and I knew it would be tough...we've both been camping when we were kids and we camped a few times when we were first married, but we had not done it in quite awhile, we are older now, and we have never camped with our two little ones. We said this would be our "learning" trip, because we knew enough about camping to know things never go the way they are planned. I wanted to do two nights, but my husband said we should just try one night first and he was right...(he usually is...lol). So we loaded everything up, Colton was so excited, we told him we were going camping and he couldn't wait, even though he had no idea what we were talking about, he could tell we were excited about it. He couldn't understand why it was taking so long to get there, once we started driving. He kept saying he wanted "to go camping". We finally arrived at the State Park campsite and started setting up the tent. It was so beautiful in the mountains and I loved the fresh air! Colton really enjoyed helping to set up the tent. We unloaded everything we needed and than I took a little stroll down a path to the river with Colton and Cherish. There was another way, but I didn't want Colton to know that, since I was afraid my "water boy" would try and go in the cold river. Later we just relaxed and watched Colton who had lots of fun running around and thankfully we didn't have anyone camping in the campsites on each side of us. There were some people in RVs and travel trailers, but not too close to us. Colton loved the water spout and spent most of his time playing in the water and chasing or pulling our dog Duchess around on her leash. What a good patient dog we have! Finally my husband built a campfire...one of my favorite things about camping, and we roasted marshmallows before we had supper...lol. By suppertime it was getting cold outside...it gets really cold in the mountains at night and so Colton snuggled up on my lap while we ate supper. Cherish was sleeping in her carseat on the picnic table. All of a sudden Colton jumped up and ran to the tent and threw up in it, all over the diaper bag, one of the sleeping bags and on his clothes. Brian cleaned up the tent and I changed Colton's clothes. Colton seemed fine after that, but the "fun" was just beginning. Soon it was almost dark, so I bundled up the kids in layers of clothes, while my husband put away the food. We gathered in the tent and had a evening prayer. We laid down on our sleeping bags and realized how hard the ground is and that we had forgot pillows. There was lots of laughter and giggles though in spite of everything, even though both of us were thinking "what did we get ourselves into". The kids would not settle down and go to sleep. Also we could hear traffic going by on the freeway, which was annoying, but I figured it's a small price to pay to be at a campsite that has bathrooms, instead of an outhouse or even worse digging a hole...haha. Colton kept saying "a lion is coming" and seemed a little scared, which at first we couldn't figure out what he was talking about, but he thought the trucks going by on the freeway were "lion's roaring". Finally we convinced him that it was safe and he snuggled up with us and eventually went to sleep, by the time he fell asleep, Cherish was awake again and the rest of the night was that way. Cherish was fussy and Colton kept waking up crying. It was sooooo cold. At one point I thought we would have to pack up and go home, because of the cold and Cherish seemed to have a stomachache, but between my husband and I rubbing Colton's head or back and cuddling with him and comforting Cherish, changing diapers and outfits when her diaper leaked, rocking, nursing, and holding her to keep her warm, we finally made it through the long cold night. We were so glad when morning came and the sun started shining and warming us up at 7:00. Colton said "go home", which he never says by the way, and I said "camping makes you appreciate home". Brian got up and started a fire and Colton forgot about going home and quickly jumped up and couldn't get his boots on fast enough to go outside. Brian made a yummy breakfast on the little campstove and I fed Cherish and kept Colton from running off too far. After eating breakfast and taking down the tent and packing everything up, we decided we were ready to go home, Colton didn't want to leave, but our dog ran and jumped in the car. On the way home we discussed what we would do differently next time, yes we are planning a next time, we decided we did have fun and chalked up all the "not so fun" to part of the camping experience and part of the fun is the joy in your child's eyes as he discovers new things and making memories with our children that we will never forget and to be able to look back at and laugh, because we want our children to remember fun times camping just like we did when we were kids. So yes camping is fun and well it's harder with two little ones, but we agreed we couldn't ever imagine camping without our children now, because it made it even more interesting and enjoyable! :-)

I'm gonna miss this...

A fellow blogger encouraged us to write a blog on what we as mothers are going to miss someday. Being a mother gets so busy and hectic sometimes you forget that these days will not last forever. That someday my little ones will be grown and I will look back and miss the toys strewn all over the floor that I always seem to trip on or stub my toes on, dirty diapers, my clothes covered in spit-up, the sleepless nights to feed baby or take care of a toddler with a nightmare, and the early mornings being woke up by a sweet little face "hi mommy" and than same full of energy child promptly jumping on my bed and I'm just wishing for a few more minutes of sleep. It's hard to imagine I'm going to miss those things, but I know I will. When I really stop to think what will I miss when my children are grown though, I think it will be my son asking me all day long "help mommy, wash dishes". Some days I'm too busy and I say not right now, sometimes I'm too tired, and other times my patience is running thin, but I've been striving to let him "help" me as much as possible. Even though it takes longer to get done and there is usually a big mess for me to clean up afterwards. So yes, water everywhere and the help is actually more work for me, but if I remind myself to just enjoy the moment, I remember floors dry and so do little boys and really why do I need to rush through my chores, the reason I'm here is because I'm training and teaching this little boy...Isn't that my job as a Mommy!? Not how fast I can finish my chores or how perfect the work is when done. So I will let him "help" me wash the dishes, because someday he will realize that it is work not play and than I will miss this!

Weary Momma

I've been so stressed out lately and feeling very overwhelmed, I feel like such a failure as a mother. One reason I wanted to start blogging again was to remind myself why I wanted to become a mother and how long I waited for these precious children of mine, but sometimes life gets so crazy and I wonder what did I get myself into. My husband would say that I'm too much of a perfectionist. That is probably partly true. I guess I do want to be a "perfect" mother and do it all so to speak. But sometimes I feel like I'm "suppose" to be supermom and I just can't of course. I try so hard to do everything "right" and end up doing everything "wrong". Maybe I'm too hard on myself or maybe God is trying to get my attention. Either way I feel like I just can not go on like this. I don't want my frustrations to control me and to take it out on my innocent children. I know that I have a lot of hurt inside of me that for the most part I've worked through, but it never seems to totally go away. When you've been abused as a child I guess it will always be apart of who you are later in life. Recently I had a nightmare about my step-dad (the one who mentally/sexually abused me) and I've not had a nightmare like that in a long time, it brought back all the bad memories and I've been dealing with that lately which causes more stress. Also a very dear friend died in a tragic car accident, he was almost like a father to me when we lived in missouri. His wife who always said I was like one of her daughters is in the hospital with a head injury and I'm so worried about her. They were more than just our friends, we always thought of them as family. So yes life is difficult right now, but that is not my child's fault, lately Colton seems to be pushing all my buttons, he's become so hyper and I don't know if it is his age right now or if he feels our stress, but he has been so hard to discipline lately, I know some of this is my fault, because sometimes I'm so tired or frustrated I don't handle it correctly. Also trying to balance two small children is overwhelming at times. Colton always seems to act up when I'm trying to take care of Cherish...so there might be some jealousy there too, even though for the most part he is very loving and sweet to baby "sissy". I think most of this is just me, I'm at my breaking point and don't know where to turn. I have so much feelings of guilt, but it seems I pray and pray to do better, I've tried to do better on my own and so I've turned to God and cried and prayed for help and promised to do better, but than it seems I fall again and again and again. I feel like I'm the only mother that is dealing with this, that I'm all alone, that nobody else messes up as much as I have. So anyway, I've poured my heart out...and now I want to remember the things that I'm proud of...it's not bragging, it's just reminding myself that I've done some things "right". As I said in my blog before this one, my issues of breastfeeding and how I did all I could to give my babies Mommy's milk in spite of difficulties. I've also taught my toddler to love veggies, not an easy thing to do as some of you know. I'm teaching Colton to say "please, thankyou, and sorry" and he usually does very well remembering that, not always of course. Even though it's not easy, I sometimes let Colton help me cook and bake, wash dishes, and other housework, in spite of the fact that usually his "help" just makes more work and more of a mess than the times I do it myself. I'm also trying to have Colton learn his numbers, letters, shapes, and colors, which is not easy with a little boy who is more interested in running around than sitting still. I've decided to just let him learn at his own pace and not push the issue with him and that seems to be working well so far. Plus another thing I'm proud of is that I've been able to get Cherish on a "schedule" of sorts....Sleep, Eat, Awake Time, and it has greatly reduced her fussiness and helps her sleep better at night, even though she still doesn't sleep totally through the night yet. She is a very happy baby and I know she is probably mostly naturally that way, but I think I will take some credit for it...lol. So I'm down in the dumps right now and trying to figure out this thing called motherhood...I want to be the mother that God has called me to be. I want to take my responsibly as a mother very seriously...this is the job God has given me and I'm very thankful for it, I'm just praying for the strength, wisdom, patience, and self-control it takes to be a mother, because I feel as though I've failed in some of those areas. I don't want to get weary of doing good in this wonderful life of being a mother...I'm so very blessed and I want to be a blessing to my family, my husband, and my children....please pray for me, because I'm admiting I can not do this on my own anymore...I'm taking this bible verse to heart..."Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest, if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

Natural Mother?

It was the middle of the night, my hubby was laying next to me sleeping soundly and snoring, I was wide awake and in lots of pain, having the hardest contractions I'd had yet with this pregnancy...I was 9 months pregnant with my baby boy, Colton. This was the moment I'd been praying for most of my life, to become a mother and hold my own baby in my arms! I was so excited and a little nervous, I was bleeding and wasn't sure if that was normal or not, so I woke up my husband and said "I think it's time", I was wrong. I ended up going 10 days past my due date and being in labor off and on for a week before having my baby. We finally went to the hospital when I couldn't stand the pain any longer. When we arrived the nurse said to walk up and down the halls for awhile, I was like is this a joke, because I'd been walking all day that day trying to get my contractions closer and more regular, but like a good patient, me and my husband walked some more. Soon we headed back to the room and they let me get in a warm bath...ahhh much better for a little while. I was in hard and heavy labor for 24 hours, until the baby's heartbeat started going down, now they were getting worried and I didn't think I could handle anymore pain, the worse pain I've ever felt in my life. My midwife said that normally she wouldn't opt for a c-section, but there was definitely something wrong. She was right, we found out later the cord was wrapped around his neck twice and his head was turned sideways, it was like he was getting hung in there every time I had a contraction. I didn't even dilate beyond 5 even after being in hard labor for that long of time. It was such a disappointment to me to have a c-section. I'd always wanted to do everything "naturally". I dreamed of being a "natural mother", having my babies all natural and of course breastfeeding them, but things didn't go the way I'd always planned. But when I first saw and held my baby boy, I knew that we had made the right decision and having him alive was more important to me than having him the natural way. Then there was another issue, my milk would not come in and he was losing weight fast, he was so sleepy and wouldn't latch on very good, no matter how much I tried and tried. Finally the nurses gave him a bottle of formula, I cried feeling like I had failed as a mother. I was so discouraged that nothing seemed to be going the way I thought it was suppose to be. All I wanted was to nurse my baby...why did it have to be so difficult? After that first bottle of formula, I was determined that I would provide my baby with Mommy's milk even if it was not the natural way. I believed in the nutrition it would give my baby and so I started pumping and pumping, at first nothing came, but I didn't give up, finally my milk came in and wow I didn't have any issue with making milk then, I was like a milk cow with plenty to feed my baby...he still wouldn't latch on, but at least I was giving him what was important, even if he had to receive it through a bottle instead. Thankfully the hospital was a very strong advocate of breastfeeding and the lactation consultants and nurses were such a wonderful help to me, if it wasn't for all of them and my husband's support and encouragement I think I might have given up. But I didn't...the hospital staff were very impressed with how determined I was to breastfeed and that I persevered through all the issues...one thing that made it very tough to nurse my baby, was that Colton had to be on antibiotics for a staph infection he developed, it's hard to nurse when your baby has all kinds of "cords and wires" attached to him. We were in the hospital for around three weeks, until he was completely better. Once we finally arrived home to our little travel trailer, I diligently kept pumping and also trying to get him to latch on, I was not going to give up, I told myself I would not stop pumping milk for my baby and I would keep trying to get him to latch on. Finally one day he really latched on for the first time, I can't describe to you the joy and excitement I felt, but it was still an uphill climb from there, I pumped and fed him breastmilk in a bottle on the times he wouldn't nurse and praised the Lord the times he would actually nurse, this lasted until he was 8 months old. It was one of the toughest things I've ever done, but I'm so happy that I kept with it and finally after 8 months he decided he much preferred Mommy to a bottle and never again did he want milk from a bottle. I nursed him until he was two years old and when I weaned him he went straight from breast to sippy cup. When I look back and see how many times I felt like a failure in my motherhood, I do know and believe that I did something for my baby that I can be very proud of and my husband has a new respect for me! I hoped though that when I had another baby that I wouldn't have to have to deal with that, I still wanted to be able to nurse my baby from birth with no bottles involved. So when I was pregnant with my baby girl, Cherish, I prayed and prayed that this time around I would be able to breastfeed with no issues. After she was born, I was able to hold her sooner, on my request and from support from my midwife and was able to try and nurse her, she didn't latch on right away and I was worried that it was going to happen again, but I'm happy to say it didn't take long, with a little help from my nurses and me, she figured it out right away and started breastfeeding wonderfully! When I was home, it was amazing to me how much easier it was to feed my baby...I feel so very blessed, it feels like finally my body is doing what it was made to do, it feels so natural to feed my baby the way God intended babies to be fed! She is four months old now and she is still nursing naturally...with no bottles in sight!

Cherishing a Hope...part 3

One month later...after trying 6 months to get pregnant and having a miscarriage...only one month and I was pregnant again. Wow, what a relief, we had started thinking maybe something was wrong with us, even though we had our son, we were wondering why it was so hard this second time around, but I think it had more to do with God teaching me patience and to trust Him than anything else. So the next month I was pregnant, maybe God knew I'd learned my lesson on patience, not perfectly, still more work to do on me I'm sure, but since my miscarriage I'm not as anxious about the future...wishing to speed up the time and always looking ahead to something better, if I was still that way I'd be driving my husband crazy about moving back to the country, complaining about living in town and not being content with where I am right now (I guess we would have to ask Brian about that to be sure if I don't complain about it as much now...lol)...not to say I don't still want to go back to the farm life and I still pray that someday I will be able to raise my children in the country, but I know that when the time is right God will work that out for us too and I'm waiting as patiently as I can for that time to come when I can once again breathe in that fresh country air everyday. Anyway, I took a little detour there from my story...so now maybe I did learn my lesson on patience, but worry and trusting God, I still needed help with that, we were totally delighted that I was pregnant, a little cautious about being excited though, what if I miscarried again, once it's happened it could happen again right, those first weeks fear seemed to have a hold on me that I couldn't shake, I prayed so hard every day, every night, I prayed, I hoped I wouldn't lose this baby, I prayed I would still trust God if I did, I prayed when I'd wake in the middle of the night worried that maybe did I feel cramping oh wait it's okay...I need to trust God AGAIN...why don't I remember that God will always see me through no matter what happens, so I talked it out with my dear mother and sisters and decided that once again I would let my worry go and just trust God with my baby. I hung onto that hope with all my might that I would soon have a healthy normal baby and that everything would be fine. I secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) hoped in my heart that this time it would be a girl. I knew I would be happy with another boy and would love him just like I do my son Colton. I also knew that this longing for a daughter would never go away and so I kept hoping. Once I was past the first trimester, I finally allowed myself to become excited and believed that yes I would carry this baby to term. We started talking about names. I love picking out names for my unborn babies, most mothers do I'm sure. I had name ideas even when I was a teen, in fact one name especially that I had picked out when I dreamed of becoming a mommy. That name was Cherish! I like unique names, I guess that came from my mom, but my husband leans more toward normal names...we both liked the name Nadia, because it means "hopeful and blessed" and this baby was very much hoped for! My husband wanted the middle name to be Dawn like mine and I wanted the middle name to be Hope...for again obvious reasons. My husband didn't like Hope though, so we kept going back and forth between Cherish and Nadia. My husband kept saying you'll know when the baby is born which is the right name, I wasn't too convinced of that though, I mean really?! While I was pregnant we kept trying to figure out if the baby was a boy or girl, but everytime we had an ultrasound they couldn't tell for sure. One doctor told me it looked like it might be a girl, but don't paint the room pink, so I didn't want to get my hopes up too high and tell everyone that it was a girl when it could still end up being a boy. We did pick out a great boy name just in case too. So to make a long story short...well 9 months long to be exact...as most of you know, I did have a baby girl and as soon as I saw and held her, my husband was right, I knew this precious, most perfect baby girl had to have the name Cherish, this long-awaited, much wanted, prayed for, hoped for baby of mine and so I said her middle name should mean hopeful and my husband still wanted Dawn. So we named her Cherish Nadia Dawn! And now you know why she is our hope and our little blessing from God! (Praise and thankfulness to God) May I now learn to cherish each day and each moment with this little miracle God has given me, to remember on sleepless nights and long tiring busy days that I wanted and prayed for both of these beautiful children that God has given me only for a short time. I want to raise my children to know, love, and serve God and to look forward to the hope of heaven where there will be no more sorrow, pain, or death. In the meantime I will try to keep on trusting God, because He knows the plans He has for us as the bible says and He knows the desires of our hearts! He always keeps His promises!
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" Psalms 37:4 And also Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."

Becoming a mother....part 2

Okay so where did I leave off...oh yes, we found a house to rent in town...not my dream house by any means, but when I look back it's surprising how important certain things become when you've had to live without them. Living in a travel trailer and than moving to a "real" normal house you really start to appreciate those things you lived without...A regular full-size refrigerator that you don't have to defrost by hand and a normal oven that is actually big enough to put a whole pizza in to cook if you want to. A bathtub to bathe your babies/toddlers in (and oh so wonderful to soak your tired, sick, and sore pregnant body in a bubble bath on your second pregnancy...but I'm getting ahead of myself...), I never knew how important a bath tub was to me, maybe for some it's nothing, but I love watching my son playing happily in the bath tub and perfect for those diaper explosions and those of you who have a child that loves to play in the dirt, well anyway when you don't have one for awhile, you appreciate it very much when you have one. A regular bed where the mattress is on bed springs instead of a board and a bed that you can actually get around to change the sheets instead of climbing on top of it and wrestling it down while your body is on top of it. Room to stand up in your bedroom and storage space, etc..I'm so happy and thankful for these things that make life easier now and I didn't even mention the awful toilet in the travel trailer. Plus as a bonus I have a pantry for the first time ever in my married life...always wanted one of those and didn't even pray for that...God knew! So anyway, you get the picture, here we were in our "new" home...still an old house that has lots of things that I would change about it, but way better than where we were before. The first year we lived here I was the most happy and content I've probably ever been in my 12 years of marriage. I was living my dream of being a mother to a beautiful sweet little boy...the child I'd prayed for all those many years. Cooking, cleaning, gardening, became enjoyable and even laundry was fun at first. (side note: One of my friends was so sweet to let me do laundry at her house until we were able to afford a washer and dryer and than eventually some other friends ended up giving us their old washer and dryer, what a blessing that was!) We also found a wonderful church and started making friends around here, who now I can't imagine living without them. I had been so lonely when we first moved to Oregon from Missouri, missing my family and friends, wishing and praying for a nice church to fellowship with other like believers, so that was another answer to prayer when we discovered a church right in our own town that was just what I had prayed for. It's hard moving to a new area, but it finally feels like home now and I love living here for the most part...(aside from missing my extended family and not being able to live in the country.) Well anyway, as I said before, here we were, here I was, and I was happy, "was" being the correct word, because soon I started wanting another baby. Here I was enjoying my home, my life, my friends, my church, my husband and my son...but I've always wanted a daughter, since before I was married my desire was to have lots of little girls to raise, teach, and love, so I started praying again this time not just for a baby liked the years before when I'd begged God just for a child, but this time for a daughter, I told myself it would be fine if I had another son, but deep down inside I knew what I really wanted was a little girl of my own. To top it off, my husband had always wanted a daughter too. Also our son Colton was not a baby anymore and I think we were missing that baby stage, I thought having kids close in age would be nice, too, they could play together I reasoned. So we started trying to get pregnant and what a disappointment after 6 months of trying and still not pregnant, I started getting worried...(how come I just can't trust God? I always start doubting, but really He does know best...) I thought what if I never can have more children, what if I never have a daughter, I'd always wanted lots of children and now I maybe will only have one, never to hold another precious baby of my own in my arms, I didn't have a good experience with breast-feeding my infant son in the beginning either...(that's for another blog), so I'd hoped the next baby I would be able to nurse easier and more naturally...oh the worry I put myself through, forgetting that many woman go a lot longer than that to have to wait for a child, some never get pregnant, some never have any children, some wait years and years. The truth is you are not even considered infertile unless you have seriously tried for a whole year. I didn't even stop to consider the fact that I waited Nine Years for Colton (but it didn't take many months to get pregnant with him once we started trying) and here I was in a panic about 6 months going by...I just didn't realize it might be hard to get pregnant the second time around even while trying and trying. Most people told me the second time around it's easier to get pregnant and I guess it is for some. Anyway, one day I took a long walk with some friends to enjoy some fun things going on downtown. It was a very hot day and when we finally sat down after walking so far, I started feeling faint and dizzy...I thought maybe it was the heat getting to me. My friends brought me some water and I ate some crackers, but as I sat there trying to hang onto my energetic toddler and not make my friends worry about me, I started getting nauseated and sick feeling. I just wanted to cry, finally I felt so miserable that I called my husband who was at work and asked me to come get me, because I knew there was no way I was going to be able to walk home. (by the way I'd walked that far before with no issues and I've done it since than too...so I knew something was wrong) My sweet husband Brian came and picked me up and when I got home after throwing up, I felt better, okay so thinking that was strange maybe it was from the heat or something I than forgot about it, until the few days when I kept getting sick, throwing up, etc. Yes like you are thinking, my friends and I all thought I must be pregnant, so I took a pregnancy test and it came back negative, so I waited and I started my period, but it was the shortest, easiest menstrual I've ever had, so I took another one and that one came back negative. So I thought I must not be pregnant, another disappointed, many tears and frustration. If I wasn't pregnant, why was I so sick, was something wrong with me? I wondered and worried and prayed. Finally after talking to my midwife I waited and than took another pregnancy test and Yes it came back positive. We were extremely excited! We started picking out names for this baby that we hoped was a girl...Nadia Grace was one of the names we seriously considered. But it was not to be...one day I started cramping and bleeding, that night I was up most of the night, miserable with the feeling and knowing in my heart that I was losing my baby. The next day Brian took me to the doctor and they had me take another pregnancy test, it came back positive...I felt relief and thought surely it will be okay, but than they did a ultrasound and could not find anything at all. They told me I'd had a miscarriage, I even explain to you how devastated I was, even now thinking and writing about it brings tears to my eyes. I cried my heart out the rest of that day and many days afterwards. Than I the hardest and heaviest period of my life and I was depressed with an aching empty hurting heart. I didn't want to feel this way, in my past I'd already gone though enough depression and aching heart to last a lifetime, so after lots of prayer and wonderful caring understanding talks with friends, I was able to pull myself together and go on...I decided I will, I must, I have to trust God on this...if He wanted me to have another baby than I would and if I ever did get pregnant again I would be happy for even another boy...God knew best! The desire for a daughter never left me and even though I put all my worries and doubts and fears in God's hands, I still hoped and prayed that someday God would bless me again and that I would be able to have a baby girl of my very own...